"eu só acho que deveria escrever alguma coisa, só pra dizer que fiz alguma coisa..."

It's with this little line in Portuguese that I begin writing... What I intend to post here is my... manifesto? too mass-shooty... mission? I'm not a prophet. Well, in the end I don't know what this is, but let's figure it out, ok?

First of all, I'm a huge Charles Bukowski fan and I recently got a Portuguese-translated copy of "Notes of a Dirty Old Man". 'Recently' meaning I got it less then 5 years ago and it sat languishing on my top shelf ever since. This year I made a promise to read a book every month. It's the end of April and I read 2 books: "House of Leaves" and "Watchmen". Well, as discover in his very badly translated book and his very dirty style of writing, my passion for writing kind of returned. Mind you, I always love writing and telling stories, even if my laziness keeps me from doing so. I'm also very passionate for journaling and I've been doing this in the past years. But I have a problem: I get bored easily. I lost my gusto for journaling and want to write something else, a different media, a different color. Something. Anything. I just can't look a that journal anymore, understand? I guess I can thank the late Mr. Bukowski for that. In his introduction in "Notes..." he talks about how spontaneous his process is. His actual stories, grimy and dirty, short and bitter, are a sign of his genius. I decided: I wanna make that. You see, I don't wanna be Bukowski, frankly I don't think anyone should, but I wanna write like him, be unique as him. fast and uncensored. So I had to take the first step.

Originally I wanted to call this site "Notes of a Dirty Old Freak". It makes sense: I like doing some dirty stuff, I'm not young and...

Am I a freak? In a way, yes. I'm socially awkward, I can tell some pretty cruel jokes (my friends and coworkers can atest to that), I'm no Brad Pitt and my media taste goes from weird to boring. but that's beside the point. "Freak" is a nicer word than "Faggot", more polite, more politically correct. But, I dunno... I feel more a like faggot than a freak. My boyfriend once told me I put myself down too much. Honey, if you're reading this, I don't say that in a disparaging way. Being a freak, to me, at least in the context of this particular text, implies shame. It implies fear. And I must be honest, I'm terrified. Of what, you ask? I don't wanna start, but if there's a place where fear has no room, it is here.

So yeah, call me Hokey. I draw, I write, and I post and occasional video. I'm an 35-year-old Brazilian gay man who hopes whoever reads this, gets it. I might get bored in the future and just stop, but boredom, much like excitement, is temporary. Oh, and I'm definetely a faggot.